#laughter#amusingtales#funnycornyjokes

[greenapple]

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside.

It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[greenapple]

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."


And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat"

[PdStelle]

Thanks for this thread, Greenapple!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!   

[greenapple]

A newlywed fisherman's wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops beside her.

"Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?"

"I'm reading a book." Answered the surprised woman. "Couldn't he see that?" She thought...

"I'm afraid this is a no fishing area." The officer notified her.

"I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm clearly reading."

"Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I'm going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint."

"OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!"

"But.." splattered the surprised office, "I never touched you!"

"Yes that's true," replied the woman, "but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment..."

[greenapple]

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.

John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John was a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

"Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk.

[greenapple]

Four Juniors at a prestigious university had been getting an "A" so far for their Applied Mathematics class. These four friends were feeling so smug and confident that on the weekend before the Finals, they decided to join some other friends for a beer bong party that Saturday.

Sure enough, while they did have a great time at the party, the ended up getting so wasted that they slept all day that Sunday. Knowing they weren't prepared for the exam the next day, they decided to just skip it altogether then come up with some excuse to their Professor why they missed it. They told him that while they did visit some friends out-of-town that Sunday, they had a flat tire coming home. Since the spare tire was also out of air, they were up all night until they could get a tow truck the next day. As a result, they missed the Final exam.

The Professor agreed that they could take a make-up exam the next day. Relieved and excited, the guys studied all night for the test.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms then gave them the test booklet. Each one easily aced the first problem, worth 10 points.

They were all thinking it was gonna be a breeze of an exam, until they turned the page.. worth 90 points, the second question was:

"WHICH TIRE GOT FLAT?" 

[greenapple]

A large group of ladies normally meet up every other evening at that park and talk non-stop for hours. However, one night they were unusually quiet. A guy who lives in the apartment complex across the park got so curious that he went down to check them out. Approaching the first lady he saw he asked why they seem not to be themselves tonight...did someone die?

The lady answered..
"Well, you see, tonight EVERYONE is present, so we don't know who to GOSSIP about.."

[greenapple]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"

[greenapple]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,
so I'll give each of you one wish each."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
 "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

[greenapple]

          What's in the box?
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady,
"That smells like s***."
The little old lady said,
"It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Moral of the story:
Don't mess with old people.

[greenapple]

Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am,you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see.. Can I see your vehicle registration please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you open the trunk of your car,please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car,ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.."

Moral of the story:
Don't mess with women!!!

[JLim]

...
...
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.."

Moral of the story:
Don't mess with women!!!

In Bazi, we say that this woman must have a very strong Hurting Officer! 

[PdStelle]

[Hidden post: You need login to forum to see it.] (Hidden Notes: A refreshing anecdote about a shop that sells husbands & wives!)

[PdStelle]

A man and his wife had not been talking for days.
On one occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have a very early meeting in the office. As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up. Since he didn't want to give up and break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper:
-Wake me up at 6 in the morning.
When he got up and looked at the clock, he realized that it was 9 o'clock in the morning and he was furious and shouted:
-But what's wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.
In that, he saw a paper on the table on which the following was written:
"It's six o'clock, get up!"

-Susana Areces

[greenapple]

Aphorism
is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even
number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when love someone? That's common sense leaving your body

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!